How to talk to anyone: the experts’ guide Part 1

 

 

These tips from the pros will teach you how to talk to anyone you encounter, from your family to your co-workers to the barista who makes your morning cup of Joe.

The three types of conversations you’re having

All conversations can be grouped into one of three basic categories, as Pulitzer Prize–winning journalist Charles Duhigg says.

• Practical, decision-making conversations focus on questions like “What’s this really about?”
• Emotional conversations tend to ask, “How do we feel?”
• Social conversations explore questions like “Who are we?”

The No. 1 tip for becoming an expert or at least a better communicator is to learn to recognize which type of conversation is happening and match your responses to it. While you may move in and out of all three types of conversations in a single interaction, the important part is to make sure you’re having the same kind of conversation as your partner at the same time. If you’re trying to have a practical conversation, but your spouse wants an emotional one. Well, you’re not going to be able to connect or communicate well.

So how do you navigate any type of conversation with any type of person? Knowing how to read people is a good place to start. From there, you can follow the advice of expert communicators to learn not only how to initiate a conversation with anyone, but also how to keep a conversation going.

It pays to know how to talk to people

If you want to have any type of relationship with people, then learning good communication skills is a must.

“There is no replacement for ongoing, in-person communication to create real relationships,” says Maybin, who’s the author of If You Can’t Say Something Nice, What Do You Say? She explains that a conversation is a tool to build intimacy, trust and a feeling of safety, deepening bonds and creating a positive cycle of more effective communication.

And the benefits go beyond fostering effective communication in the future. By cultivating relationships, good conversations give us the tools we need when times are tough. “Having real, strong relationships helps us feel better about ourselves and helps us get through difficult times,” she says.

Plus, being a good communicator makes you more likable, makes you appear smarter, and helps you increase successes in your career, find romantic partners and build a network of resources and support.

How to talk to anyone

Knowing how to have a conversation is about more than avoiding rude conversation habits (though that’s the bare minimum). But to make deeper connections, take it to the next level with these tips from our experts. They will help you talk to literally anyone, not only those you know but also random people you encounter, like your Uber driver, a waiter, your sister’s new boyfriend, a dinner party guest you’ve never met before, a customer service rep—you name it.

Prepare for the conversation

Some conversations happen on the fly, but you can anticipate many others—and it’s worth putting in a little bit of prep work. People who took a few moments to prepare themselves for the conversation say they experienced fewer awkward pauses, less anxiety and felt more engaged afterward.   So in the moments before a conversation starts, he advises asking yourself:

• What are two topics you might discuss? (Being general is OK, so go ahead and chitchat about last night’s ball game, TV shows you like or a new hobby you’ve picked up.)
• What is one thing you hope to say?
• What is one question you will ask?

The benefit of this exercise is that, even if you never talk about these topics, you have them in your back pocket if you hit a lull. And simply by anticipating what you’ll discuss, you’re likely to feel more confident.

Listen to understand

Want to know how to talk to anyone without being totally awkward? Repeat after us: Don’t just wait your turn to talk. This is communication 101, yet sometimes we all need a reminder to listen.

Of course, this doesn’t mean simply waiting for the pause that signals it’s your turn. The key to better conversations is actively listening, paying attention to both the content of what the person is saying and how they are saying it. Learn how to focus and then give the other person your full attention.

Make eye contact

Nothing makes a person feel more special and heard than receiving undivided attention. I know that sounds obvious, but in our high-tech times, so many people are looking at their devices during a conversation, and you lose that personal connection that makes conversations so valuable.

Need further incentive to keep your phone in your pocket when someone’s talking to you? Being aware of a person’s body language can also help you tell if someone is lying.

Smile and nod your head

A warm smile says “I am so happy to see you!” And what feels better than that?

Face it: Some people just have a resting angry face, and that isn’t a character flaw. But if that’s you, it’s even more important to remember to smile, nod your head and keep open body language. A smile shows that you’re open, friendly and approachable. This is especially important when meeting someone new, but it can reinforce a positive connection with those you do know.

Watch their body language

Pay attention to whether the other person is leaning in toward you and showing interest or looking away and being passive—and adjusting what you’re saying based on that information. Listen to your gut instinct: If someone appears distracted or disinterested, then you either need to end the conversation, change topics or ask them more questions.

Use their name

This is a simple trick, but our communication experts swear by it. It’s a human need to feel seen, heard and remembered, and using a person’s name (and remembering it the next time you see them!) is a powerful tool to do just that. Feel like you’re not a natural at remembering names? Good news: It’s a skill, and you can learn how to remember things better with a little practice.

Give and take equally

You’ve likely been in a conversation with someone who did all the talking, making it all about themselves. And you’ve probably been in the opposite type of conversation, where the other person asks questions about you without offering anything of their own. Both types of conversations are extremely uncomfortable. This is why you should share something about you and then ask the other person about them.

Creating this natural give-and-take will further the conversation and make it more successful, according to experts. This is particularly true when talking about feelings. You don’t have to share anything you’re not comfortable with, but if someone says they are really struggling with their kids right now, sharing a struggle or two with your own children can go a long way toward deepening the conversation and your bond with the other person.

Offer a sincere compliment

People love being acknowledged and noticed in a positive way, in that giving a compliment is also an excellent conversation starter. Just steer clear of compliments about someone’s body—instead, stick to complimenting something they choose or control. For instance, instead of complimenting how thin they are, say that you love their shoes. Even better, compliment something they did or said.

Find ways to agree

Yes, it’s possible to have civil conversations with people you disagree with. Even in contentious conversations, you can generally come up with at least a few things you agree with. These moments build connection and understanding, and they will make the other person more likely to continue the discussion.

“Look for places where you can say ‘I agree with you’ or ‘I think you’re right that …’” experts say. “These remind everyone that, though we may have differences, we want to be aligned.”

Reflect their words back to them

It’s important to acknowledge the other person’s comment before sharing your thoughts. And you can do this with a response that acknowledges what they’ve just said. For example, if someone is sharing vacation stories, respond by saying, “Sounds like you had a lot of fun on your road trip.” Then you can move on and add a story about your own recent trip.

This is especially crucial when having emotional conversations. (Here’s where having high emotional intelligence is clutch.) Saying “I hear you explaining that you are feeling really upset and frustrated right now with your job” goes a long way toward getting the person to open up more, allowing the conversation to go deeper.

Validate and empathize

The next step after reflecting their words back to them is to validate and empathize with their concerns. For instance, if a co-worker is nervous about an upcoming presentation, instead of saying, “Oh, you’ll do fine,” empathize by saying, “I know it can be a bit intimidating to present to your work colleagues.” Doing this will help people feel truly heard and safer sharing their concerns with you.

Check in during the conversation

In longer conversations, it’s a good idea to occasionally check in with the other person and ask questions to make sure you’re understanding what they’re saying. It’s called looping for understanding.

Here’s how it works: Ask questions to make sure you understand what someone has said. Repeat back, in your own words, what you heard. Ask if you got it right. Continue until everyone agrees they understand. This tip nips miscommunication in the bud, clearing up misunderstandings before they cause serious problems.

Use criticism wisely

Criticism or feedback can be tricky in conversations—nothing ends a conversation faster than pointing out everything the other person did wrong—but there are conversations in which it is necessary. Focus on giving feedback in a “compliment sandwich” by offering a positive comment, then the negative feedback, followed by a positive statement.

If you’re on the receiving end, resist the instinct to get defensive or make excuses. It helps to validate their concern and then ask something like, ‘How can I make it right?’ or ‘Tell me more about what happened.’

Expect mistakes—and let them go

No conversation is going to be perfect, and giving yourself and the other person some grace will go a long way in improving communication. Acknowledge, and keep acknowledging, that discomfort is natural—and useful. We will misspeak. We will ask naive questions. We will say things we didn’t realize were offensive. When these discomforts emerge, rather than shutting down, we should use them as opportunities to learn.

And don’t be too hard on yourself. Chances are, your conversation partner liked you a whole lot more than you think. And that’s a scientific fact. A study published in Psychological Science found that people regularly underestimate how much others liked them and enjoyed their company during a conversation, what the study’s authors call the “liking gap.”

So, this post was part 1 of a 2 parter.  Click below to view part 2.

How to talk to anyone: the experts’ guide Part 2 – TUTORING YOU

 

Source: rd.com

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