It is this physical aspect of writing—the sitting down and listening through the body, the hand, the pen—that can bring forth something substantial and true. Each shape, each word, is an expression of how the world is living in me. When I write, I keep going all the way to the end of the page, enjoying the sensual touch of it all, the way the letters link and dance and skip along, my fingers waiting expectantly for the next, the next wave, the next thought showing up, ready to be described. Writing is the reporter, giving form to it all, grounded in the past, amazed and present to this moment.
Forgiveness is almost impossible sometimes. We know we should. We want to, but the memories keep the pain alive. Unforgiveness is dangerous. It can cause sickness and stress and makes us bitter, angry people. It is the root of the problems in many friendships, marriages, and working relationships.
Forgiveness doesn’t involve forgetting
In this study, De Brigard and his colleagues conducted a series of experiments in which people were asked to recall and write about a time when they were harmed by another person. What most people recalled, according to De Brigard, involved some kind of betrayal, either in their closest relationships or with work colleagues, sometimes but not always involving emotional or physical harm.
Remembering
After writing about what they experienced, participants noted how morally wrong the transgression was (in their view) and whether or not they’d forgiven the transgressor. Then, they filled out a questionnaire designed to measure how much detail they remembered about the event, including “episodic characteristics” (such as where it took place, how vivid it was in their minds, and sensory details) and “emotional characteristics” (its emotional impact and the intensity of the feelings, as well as how they felt now recalling the event).
Analyzing
The research team then did a series of analyses that showed people who forgave were able to recall details of the event as clearly as people who didn’t forgive, including their emotional pain at the time. Yet those who’d forgiven also felt less negative emotion in the present recalling the memory, suggesting that they might have experienced some kind of healing through forgiveness.
This surprised De Brigard, who had hypothesized that people’s emotional memories of the harm might fade after forgiving someone, which would explain why they felt better now. But that wasn’t the case.
“I thought that people were going to retroactively remember the [emotion] . . . as being less negative,” he says. “But that didn’t happen at all. The memory was just as bad regardless of whether or not they had forgiven the perpetrator.”
The Findings
His findings suggest that forgiving doesn’t lead to forgetting, after all. Instead, we change our emotional relationship to what happened, allowing us to recall our past hurt and who’s responsible without harming our own well-being. This could have important implications for those who might want to forgive but are afraid it will impact their fight for justice or their seeking amends from transgressors.
“One possibility is to think that when we forgive, we change our judgment of what happened during the wrongdoing. But I think that’s just wrong,” he says. “We still consider the people that wronged us as being culpable and morally responsible for what happened to us.”
The good and bad of forgiveness
He and his team also found that the greater the emotional relief people who forgave experienced, the more they felt benevolent toward the transgressor, and the less likely they were to avoid the person or seek revenge—no matter the severity of what happened to them.
However, De Brigard warns that these findings on benevolence “have to be taken with a grain of salt,” because so many of the transgressions recalled in his study involved people in close relationships, who may have more of an incentive to forgive and possibly reconcile.
Another reason we shouldn’t conclude that people might not always feel more benevolent after forgiving is that the transgressions reported in his study weren’t as severe as some that he’s seen in other contexts—like war and genocide. The relationship between improved well-being in the present and benevolence toward perpetrators might not hold in those situations, he says.
The context
“Forgiveness in certain social contexts serves different purposes. It might be different to forgive someone who just gossips behind your back versus forgiving someone that sexually harassed you or raped you,” he says.
“Nevertheless, regardless of the relationship that you have with the perpetrator, and regardless of the severity of the wrong done, if you have forgiven, your [emotion] at the time of retrieval is going to be less negative and less intense,” he adds.
Forgiveness can be cultivated
From a research perspective, says De Brigard, forgiveness is some kind of memory recoding process that probably involves taking a different perspective on a hurtful event to lessen your negative emotional response. For example, can you look back on a memory and revise its meaning in your life. Somehow recognize how it inadvertently led to something positive, this may help you forgive, shift your feelings about the memory, and move on.
This seems to support past views on forgiveness as being primarily a means of helping us manage past hurts. Studies on forgiveness suggest it can be cultivated directly though programs designed to guide people toward re-processing their hurts, helping protect their mental health and, potentially, improve their relationships—if they so choose.
But not in all situations
De Brigard doesn’t necessarily promote forgiveness in all situations. There are some, he says, where people don’t want to forgive—where, perhaps, they think forgiving would be morally reprehensible because of the level of harm done. And they should never be forced to forgive or cajoled into it, he says.
On the other hand, some people want to forgive even the worst offenders, he says, so they can experience the emotional release. For those people, changing how they think about a transgression by considering the context or the limitations of the person involved is considered. Finding other ways to process their experience might help them to forgive and heal. And, for some, that might tip the balance toward trying to forgive.
“Forgiveness might open the door for people that . . . want the emotional change,” he says. “There are some people that might be scared or that don’t want to forgive, but, with the right reasons, they might get closer.”
“Pray first, then plan” is a foundational approach to decision-making that prioritizes seeking divine guidance before taking action. It emphasizes aligning personal, business, or ministry plans with God’s will to ensure wisdom and purpose, rather than merely asking for blessing on pre-made plans. This practice fosters peace, reduces impulsive decisions, and encourages trust over anxiety
God calls us to pray. God also calls us to plan. There is a balance. We start with prayer, but we don’t end with prayer. Sometimes there is a person who is going through a crisis. The advice that is given them is to just pray. But that advice may not seem all that helpful if they have been praying. God does not make us passive victims of fate in some cosmic battle that is waging. He has equipped us with the Holy Spirit. Yes, we are to pray, but then we are to take the courage and the faith that God gives to us in prayer and act upon it. Make plans and execute those plans. Yes, pray! But don’t stop with prayer.
But maybe you are not as much a prayer person as you are a planning person. You got a problem, so you make your plans. You seek your solution. And then you ask God to bless your plan. You ask God to provide your solution. It is good that you are planning, but the problem is that you are planning without prayer. Prayer is the afterthought.
An example where this plays out is when a person loses his job. He sets a plan to find a new job. And then he prays to God to help him get that new job. You see the starting point was finding the new job. The solution was automatically to become employed. That is our plan. That is our solution. And it might very well be God’s solution. But maybe the season of unemployment is to lead you in a different direction. Or maybe the time without a job is an opportunity to gain a new experience. But if we are so focused on our plans without prayer, we might miss the thing that God is doing.
Instead of first determining the solution, start by seeking God in prayer. See where he would lead and the solution he would determine. Our plans are not always God’s plan. And we will find it much easier to succeed when we go with God’s plan.
Pray first. Then plan. Pray again. Then execute the plan.
Reflection
Do you give greater emphasis to prayer or with planning?
Do you have something in your life where you have prayed, but failed to take action?
Do you have plans that you need to set aside so you can seek God’s will?
Prayer
Lord, sometimes I am paralyzed to inaction. I bring you my worries and concerns. You speak faith and courage into my life, and then I fail to take action. There are other times when I rush ahead of you with my plans and fail to seek your voice. Forgive me for failing to pray. Forgive me for failing to plan. Grant me your Holy Spirit that I would have the wisdom to pray and to plan so that your will would be accomplished in my life and that your kingdom would come through my words and actions. Amen.
Self-sabotaging behavior refers to intentional action (or inaction) that undermines people’s progress and prevents them from accomplishing their goals. Self-sabotage occurs when people hinder their own success.
While it seems surprising, some people undermine their own good intentions and long-term goals. When people take these destructive steps, their harmful behavior can negatively impact nearly every part of their lives including their relationships and career.
Self-sabotage often serves as a coping mechanism that people use to deal with stressful situations and past traumas. Unfortunately, it typically makes problems worse and limits a person’s ability to successfully move forward in a healthy way.
It won’t come as a surprise to anyone when I say that we’re typically our own worst critics.
When we mess up, fail, or find ourselves in an uncomfortable situation, we often think there’s something wrong with us as a person.
That the cause of the screw up is something intrinsically flawed deep inside and that we just don’t have what it takes to make it.
It’s at times like these that we heap shame on our shoulders, isolate ourselves from others, and get caught up in negative thinking patterns that erode our sense of self.
Challenging critical self-talk, developing the skills to negotiate through setbacks, and building our own resilience in the face of adversity are crucial to turning these types of situations into valuable learning moments, but how do we do it?
Quite simply — we do it mindfully, intentionally, and with an eye to treating ourselves to a healthy dose of self-compassion.
When you’re overwhelmed with critical self-talk in the face of a setback, there’s a way to step back from the noise and stop being so hard on yourself.
Often when life goes awry or things don’t work as planned, the easiest place to begin your search for answers is externally with questions such as, ‘Whose fault is it?’ ‘Why does this keep happening to me?’ or ‘What have I done to deserve this?’ Sometimes the best place to look when life goes wrong without your permission is in the mirror. Sometimes all that you can do is take the time to change your thinking!
How do you know if it’s time to make a change?
Think about your current circumstances in different areas of your life (e.g., health, relationships, career, personal time).
First, ask yourself:
What is working well for you?
What brings joy, satisfaction, meaning, or purpose?
What is moving you in the direction of well-being?
What is aligned with your deepest values?
What is nourishing, helpful, or beneficial?
Make note of these answers. Listen to the signals from your body and be mindful of physical sensations as you reflect on different areas of your life. Is there openness, ease, expansiveness, contraction, tightness, tension, constriction, something else?
Next, ask yourself:
Are there things that you have outgrown, that no longer fit, or that aren’t working for you (e.g., an old habit, an unhealthy or draining relationship, a job where you feel you are languishing versus flourishing, a behavior not serving you, such as going to bed too late or drinking too much)?
What brings unease, feels stifling, or causes constriction in your body? Listen again to your bodily signals as you reflect on the various areas of your life.
What moves you away from well-being in your life?
What behaviors or situations are no longer aligned with your current values?
When you think it thru, you may realize that it is time to make some changes.
Here are 5 steps you can take to change your thinking:
Be aware of your thoughts. If you are not conscious of what you are thinking and how it is unhealthy you cannot change it. Be ok to simply sit with your thoughts and emotions. Be curious about them. Identify them.
Realize negative thinking does not serve you well. When you become aware of your thoughts and how you interpret and respond to them, you will be empowered to take control. You can control your emotional state, and choose thoughts, reactions, and behaviors that best serve you.
Let the negative thinking go. When you are aware of your thoughts, you can learn to hold on to the ones you want and dismiss the ones you do not want. This will take some practice but becomes easier with time. The key is to not let the negative mindset take root.
Replace the negative thought with a positive one. Do your best to let go of the negative thoughts. It can be helpful to write down the negative thought and write down a positive, affirming thought to replace it.
Feed your mind with positivity. Your brain processes everything so be intentional about filling your mind with positive things. Make sure that what you are reading, watching, or scrolling through on the internet is lifting you up. Think of it as brain food.
Positivity
Positive thinking looks at the bright side of life and focuses on opportunities versus problems. As you practice this new mind shift, you will get faster getting yourself back in a positive mindset. When you think positively you can overcome more. You can achieve more. Your future will be better than your past.
What does let it go mean? I’ve always wondered. I’ve also always had a slight aversion to anyone telling me or anyone else to do it. Truth is, I don’t completely understand what letting it go actually is or what it entails.
The suggestion that we need to let something go also suggests that we’re holding onto, grasping, or clinging to it too tightly, which begs the question, what does it mean to hold onto something, particularly a thought or feeling? Alas… always more questions than answers.
Feeding the pain
Holding onto a thought or feeling can mean many things. But one way that we hold on is by continuing to re-think, re-tell, and ruminate over painful thoughts and experiences. We mentally rehash the source of our suffering even when it’s not organically present in our now. We bring it into our now by talking about it, engaging with our thoughts about it, and actively invoking the difficult feelings or whatever else is stuck to it. It can feel as if the pain itself is compelling us to feed it. And we are, paradoxically and strangely loyal to our pain, and driven to keep it alive.
Up, up and away with the hurt and pain
Letting go then is the practice of restraint, refraining, of less not more. It’s breaking the habit of continually re-introducing thoughts and feelings that cause us pain—declining the mind’s seduction to replay our grievances in the hopes of figuring out a better outcome or solution. So too, letting go is resisting the urge to build a storyline out of our experience—getting in the habit of feeling our direct experience on its own, in our body first, and perhaps naming it if it’s helpful. But, and this is the key, leaving our experience there in the simplicity of what it is, without the who, what, where, when, and why, the what it means that follows and tightens our grip.
The power of choice
Letting go is not denial or ignorance; it’s not about pretending our hurts don’t hurt. It’s also not about willing ourselves into a pseudo-okayness with something we’re not really okay with. Some traumas are simply not let-go-able. But letting go is a process of stopping—stopping to cause ourselves further suffering when we don’t have to. Some grievances will fade away when we stop stoking them, some will remain painful when bumped into. It’s not really up to us. But what is up to us is the choice to stop awarding our grievances with our habitual attention, romancing them if you will, parading them in front of others and ourselves to see, again. Furthermore, we can choose to stop feeding and growing our hurts with more thoughts about them, the storylines we write which intensify their importance and power.
Choose to let it go
Imagine holding onto a little bird, holding it tightly because we want to keep it from flying off and leaving us. That little bird is our pain. We grasp onto that pain because we believe that keeping it, remembering it and feeding it, is a way of taking care of it, and thus ourselves. But what if we loosened our grip on that bird, opened our hand a bit. That bird might want to fly off. Our pain might want to fly off. Letting go is trusting that taking care of ourselves might mean not feeding our bird, but rather opening our hand and allowing our pain to transform and be free to fly.
Recognize when the possibility to take corrective action exists, if it’s worth taking, and then take it. But if there’s nothing you can or want to do about it, do yourself a favor and let it go.
Get some perspective.
Ask yourself how important this thing you’re hung up on really is in the grand scheme of life (and not just your own). Is it that serious, or dire? With all the tragedies, and all the other ways you could be spending your energy, should thinking about this thing really be one of them? In most cases, the answer will be no – and letting go, won’t be so hard after all.
Which means no more thinking or talking about it, accepting that I’m not perfect and acknowledging that my intentions were good.
To let it go, is to let love and peace flow. You can’t feel these things fully when your thoughts are tied up in stories of the past. Letting go is literally like waving a wand and granting your soul the peace it so desires and so deserves.
