Self-sabotaging behavior refers to intentional action (or inaction) that undermines people’s progress and prevents them from accomplishing their goals. Self-sabotage occurs when people hinder their own success.
While it seems surprising, some people undermine their own good intentions and long-term goals. When people take these destructive steps, their harmful behavior can negatively impact nearly every part of their lives including their relationships and career.
Self-sabotage often serves as a coping mechanism that people use to deal with stressful situations and past traumas. Unfortunately, it typically makes problems worse and limits a person’s ability to successfully move forward in a healthy way.
As the year winds down and winter nights grow longer, December offers a quiet, reflective space to turn inward — to look back on the last twelve months, make sense of what’s passed, and gently envision what lies ahead. With these guided journaling prompts, you can use this time to find clarity, honor growth, and ready yourself for renewal.
It won’t come as a surprise to anyone when I say that we’re typically our own worst critics.
When we mess up, fail, or find ourselves in an uncomfortable situation, we often think there’s something wrong with us as a person.
That the cause of the screw up is something intrinsically flawed deep inside and that we just don’t have what it takes to make it.
It’s at times like these that we heap shame on our shoulders, isolate ourselves from others, and get caught up in negative thinking patterns that erode our sense of self.
It needs to stop.
Challenging critical self-talk developing the skills to negotiate through setbacks is crucial. Also, building our own resilience in the face of adversity to turn these types of situations into valuable learning moments, is how we grow. But how do we do it? How do we cut ourselves some slack?
Quite simply — we do it mindfully, intentionally, and with an eye to treating ourselves to a healthy dose of self-compassion.
When you’re overwhelmed with critical self-talk in the face of a setback, there’s a way to step back from the noise and stop being so hard on yourself.
It is about changing your relationship to that voice so that you can hear its warnings, respond to yourself with kindness, and continue taking steps toward a meaningful life even when the critic gets loud.
Stop Fighting the Thoughts (Embrace and Allow)
Trying to forcefully stop or change negative thoughts is usually a fool’s errand that backfires.
Fighting the thoughts gives them more power and consumes all your mental energy.
Instead of arguing with the critic, simply acknowledge its presence.
Common Humanity
Common humanity is the recognition that suffering and personal inadequacy are part of the shared human experience.
This perspective reminds you that you are not alone in your struggles.
Self-Kindness
Self-kindness entails being warm and understanding toward ourselves when we suffer or feel inadequate.
It replaces the harsh, punitive voice with a supportive and encouraging one.
It’s treating yourself like you would your best friend. Would you cut your friend some slack? Of course, you would. Now build on that premise. That you are your best friend that needs counsel not criticism.
Here’s a quick way to build a conversational flow so that you can start to talk at a deeper level:
Begin with a curiosity booster. Show curiosity about your participant; what are their concerns, loves, dislikes, passions?
Move to personal reflection. Once you have captured their curiosity, move on to something a bit more personal and reflective. Why are they passionate about something, what moves them to like or dislike another?
Observe comfort level. Are they being hesitant toward these questions, or are they accepting them and answering them with passion and intensity?
If receptive, ask relational or existential questions. If they aren’t receptive, it’s time to back off a bit and move the conversation elsewhere. If they are really opening up, you can ask even deeper questions or move beyond the why to the who and what questions.
The Conversational Flow Model keeps conversations natural and flowing without being interrogative or pushy.
To get to know a girl, ask open-ended questions about her passions, her childhood, and experiences to reveal her personality rather than just facts. Good questions include asking about her “happy place,” biggest passions, memorable trips, and personal goals. Focus on her motivations and what brings her joy.
From easy questions to deep conversations, here are 20 good questions to ask a girl. These questions are designed to ignite laughter, introspection, and maybe even a bit of friendly banter. So, get ready to upgrade your conversation skills and make every interaction memorable!
Early Getting-to-Know-You
What is one thing that never fails to make you laugh?
What is your favorite way to spend a rainy day?
What is the best trip you’ve ever taken?
What is a passion or hobby you could talk about for hours?
Are you a morning person or a night owl?
Personal Background & Childhood
6. What is your favorite memory from childhood? 7. What did you want to be when you grew up? 8. Did you have a favorite teacher or class in school? 9. What is one thing that always makes you feel nostalgic? 10. What is a family tradition you really love?
Values & Ambitions
11. What is a dream you have that you have yet to achieve? 12. What does a “perfect day” look like to you? 13. What is the best piece of advice you’ve ever received? 14. What are you most proud of in your life right now? 15. If money was no object, what would you do with your life?
Fun & Quirky
16. What is your go-to karaoke song? 17. What is the most random thing you’ve bought on impulse? 18. If you could be an expert in one thing, what would it be? 19. What is your favorite guilty pleasure movie or show? 20. If you could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, who would it be?
It can be incredibly difficult to set aside a period for writing time, and while we might long for those open days spent reading and writing for hours on end, it may be more productive to set smaller goals to build incrementally toward large objectives.
That said, be ruthless about protecting those days set aside for writing, even if it means a shorter time period over several days rather than a single, long day.
Another Rowling quote: ‘Imagination’
To view J.K. Rowling’s 8 writing rules, click here:
Think about your best friend. What makes them your best friend; the friend above all others? Maybe you have several best friends. In childhood, it might have seemed easier to make friends, but in adulthood, it can feel quite difficult at times. I once asked a young client what made her best friend the “best” of her friends. Her answer? “Because we both love the color pink.” Seemed logical to me.
Some of us have had many good friends, even if some lasted for only a while. I have not had the luxury of having the same best friend for my whole life, but I have had many good friends along the way who I credit for teaching me what a good friend is, each one entering my life when I needed them.
While specific personality traits might differ from person to person, here are some of the qualities most of us look for in a friend:
They show empathy and basic kindness. Some people are naturally programmed to respond in a compassionate way, while for others, this approach is not always easy. We all exist on different areas of the empathy spectrum, but look for, at least, a minimum understanding of basic kindness and understanding. Treating others with respect should be the bare minimum.
You feel good when you are with them. A good friend is someone who you can be yourself with, and around whom your mood improves. They make you feel good about yourself and who you are.
They are willing to apologize and admit when they’re wrong. The ability to admit to shortcomings is a highly undervalued quality in a person. A lot of growth can come from the ability to admit when one is wrong and to apologize accordingly. It shows maturity, compassion, and high self-esteem. The ability to admit when there is an area that we do not know enough about, or perhaps need to reexamine, makes us more agreeable. In my experience, this level of maturity improves with age. Disagreements or personality conflicts are an inevitable part of being human, so it’s essential to find a friend who can handle this with grace and maturity.
They have time for you. In today’s era of constant availability, it can be difficult to imagine not being easily accessible. However, if you find that the person is not responding to messages or calls, or seems to never have time for you, this might be a sign that they are not able to be a good friend to you right now, for whatever reason. Know your worth and when you are not being fully valued. If you feel ignored or pushed aside, this is a clue that the person might not have enough time for you or might not share the same desire for time together. Having differing priorities than ours does not make the other person unhealthy, but it will improve the chances of our connecting on a deeper level while decreasing the need for unnecessary pain or arguments if they are more aligned.
They are trustworthy and reliable. This is very important. Pay attention to how you feel around this person emotionally and physically. Do you feel like you can be yourself, complete with your opinions and desires? Someone who cares about you will be there when they say they will and hold themselves accountable to promises made. They will follow through, and you can rely on them.
