Tag: #smalltalk

 

When you spot an acquaintance in a store, do you hope they don’t see you, pretend you don’t see them, and try to covertly duck into another aisle?

Does the idea of walking into a party where you only know one person fill you with dread?

Do you keep trying to summon up the courage to talk to the cute girl who makes your lattes at the local coffee shop, but whenever you get up to the counter, all you can muster is your order?

When you’re assigned to a table filled mostly with strangers at a wedding, do you talk only with your date, or sit hunched over your phone all night?

Small talk is the portal through which every person you will ever meet will enter your life. That’s huge when you ponder it. You never know who you’re going to encounter in a class, at a coffee shop, at the gym, at a wedding; they could be your future business partner or boss, your future best friend or wife. You simply never know when someone you meet will send your life in a new direction. But if you can’t initiate these relationships, your circle of contacts and intimates will never expand past the current roster of friends whose Facebook updates and tweets you can’t take your eyes off of in order to meet the gaze of those sitting right next to you.

How to Gain the Ability to Make Small Talk with Anyone, Anywhere

The first step in becoming an expert small talker is to start seeing yourself as the host, as opposed to the guest, in any situation. The host acts as a leader. He’s active, not passive, and takes the initiative in talking with people, guiding the conversation, filling in awkward pauses, introducing people, and making others feel comfortable and welcome.

How do you become the consummate host wherever you go? Your hosting duties can be broken down into two categories: Approaching Others and Being Approachable.

How to Approach Others

Initiating Conversation with Strangers

We often feel self-conscious engaging a stranger in small talk, but most people are feeling as shy and insecure as you are. It’s a great comfort and relief when someone takes the initiative to talk to them, saving them from standing alone by the punch bowl while they feel awkward and conspicuous. People love to talk (especially about themselves) and are typically flattered when someone is paying attention to them.

Look for someone who seems approachable, who’s by himself and isn’t talking to someone else or working on something. Make eye contact, smile at them, and then go up to greet them.

But what then? Anyone who’s had their small talk disintegrate after an exchange of “What do you do?” may worry that their attempt to initiate conservation will fizzle into awkwardness. But when you know what you’re doing, you can sail right over any potential slumps.

The ARE method

The ARE method of initiating small talk. Communications expert Dr. Carol Fleming offers a three-part process to kick off a conversation: Anchor, Reveal, Encourage (ARE).

Anchor

This is an observation on your “mutual shared reality” that extends the first little thread of connection between you and another person — the lightest of pleasantries about something you’re both seeing or experiencing.

• Dr. Landis is hilarious.
• The set list tonight has been fantastic.
• This weather is perfect.

Don’t get caught up thinking that such comments are too superficial, and search in vain for something truly clever to say. Fleming calls such exchanges “friendly noises,” and you both know they’re not meaningful, but just a gradual and polite way to segue into a “real” conversation.

Reveal

 Next, disclose something about yourself that is related to the anchor you just threw out.

• I’ve tried to get into Dr. Landis’ class for three semesters, and this is the first time I was able to land a spot.
• There’s a much bigger crowd here than there was at their show last year.
• I’ve been waiting for a break in the heat to go hike Mt. Whilston for the first time.

By opening up a little more, we extend to the other person a few more threads of connection and trust, while at the same time providing them fodder to which to respond.

Encourage

Now you hand off the ball to them by asking a question:

• Did you have a hard time getting into the class?
• Did you see that show?
• Have you ever done that hike?

Keep building the conversation. By employing the effective ARE method, you’ll successfully have exchanged a few pleasantries, but these tender threads of small talk can easily disintegrate and blow away at this point…when the dreaded awkward pause shows up.

So you want to weave those light threads into an increasingly sturdy rope. You do this by offering follow-up comments and questions that continue to build the conversation. Let’s take a look at how our three example conversations might progress:

The Followup

Whether you follow-up with a comment or question, be sure to alternate between the two options. Strike a balance: too many questions fired one right after the other will make the conversation feel more like an interrogation, and too many comments won’t give the other person a chance to talk. That’s no good, as your interest in what they have to say is what endears you to them.

So, tip the scale more heavily towards questions. Once they respond to one question, you ask clarifying questions about their answer. Start with questions that can be answered with one or two words, and then build on those to expand into open-ended questions that won’t put them on the spot but will allow them to reveal more or less about themselves, depending on their comfort level. 

Use these questions

• Tell me about…
• What was the best part of…
• How did you feel about…
• What brought you to…
• What’s surprised you most…
• How similar/different is that to…
• Why…

Here are some effective small talk chains, with the common, but less open-ended questions marked through, and a better alternative following it:

• Where are you from? → Did you live there all of your life?  What was it like to grow up there? → What brought you here? → Are any of your family members close by? →  How many siblings do you have? Tell me more about your family. → Is it tough being away from them? → What do you miss most about your hometown?

• What are you majoring in? → What made you decide to choose that major? → How do you like it? What’s been the best class you’ve taken so far? → Tell me more about it. → What was the most interesting part of the class? → Do you think you might write about that for your thesis?

• What do you do? → Do you like your job? Describe a typical day at work. → How has the economy affected business? → Why has your company thrived while others have taken a beating? → Would you recommend a young man like myself going into the field? → Do you know anyone who might be looking for an intern?

• Ask open-ended questions. Here’s how it usually goes: How was your weekend? How’s your day going? How have you been? Whatadya been up to? Fine. Fine. Good. Not much…cue the crickets! Questions like these are conversation killers — they only prompt a one or two word response and are basically used by most people as rote hellos in passing, not as questions where an actual answer is expected.

  So, you have to follow up again:

  • How was your weekend? Good. What did you do?
  • How’s your day going? Good. What’s been the best part so far?
  • How have you been? Good. What’s been going well for you?

    Practice!

    Technology has created an interesting phenomenon in which people increasingly crave real face-to-face connection, while at the same time becoming less equipped to facilitate it.

    The only way to get better at small talk is to practice. And you have to practice it in situations where it really doesn’t matter, so that you’re ready when it does.

    Remember way back at the beginning, I told you to,” start seeing yourself as the host, as opposed to the guest, in any situation.”  Good, you remembered!  So, if you need some more information on exactly how to become more of a host, click below.
  •  
  • 7 Ways to Start a Conversation that Leads Where You Want It to – TUTORING YOU
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  •  Source:  artofmanliness.com

Small talk might seem trivial, but it can deliver big results.

It can help us forge new or deeper connections with others by allowing us to discover unexpected areas of common interest. It can enable us to establish or reinforce our personal reputations, giving us an opportunity to demonstrate warmth and empathy.

The power of ‘Tell me more…’

“Tell me more” is a support response; it supports what the other person is saying. The opposite is a “shift” response,” which is a statement that shifts the conversation back to you.

If your friend complains about their annoying upstairs neighbor, you might say, “Yeah, you wouldn’t believe what my neighbor’s been putting me through. His party last night didn’t break up until after 3 a.m.” You’ve just shifted the conversation back to you and your concerns, rather than inviting your small talk partner to contribute even more.

A support response might be to empathize with your friend, or ask for more details about their neighbor’s bad behavior and how they handled it.

In the right context, it is fine to use shift responses — other people want to learn about us, and we don’t want to come across as withdrawn or secretive.

But many people make the mistake of treating other people’s stories as openings for them to talk about themselves. But if you do that often, you miss an opportunity to learn more.

After a conversation partner contributes a thought or anecdote, we can say something like, “What excited you about that?” or “Wow, what happened next?” or “How did you feel when that happened?

Comments like these give your partner permission to expand on what they said or provide deeper insight.

The more you support what someone else is saying, rather than shifting the focus to your experience, the easier and more enjoyable small talk becomes.

Article by Matt Abrahams for CNBC© Photo credit: CNBC©

 

Conversation starters are valuable for anyone, at any age, who is seeking to make meaningful connections. Especially if starting a conversation intimidates you, it’s important to remember that connection is essential for health—it helps us cope with stress and feel a sense of belonging.

Unless you’re one of the lucky duckies who’ve been given the gift of gab, chit chatting at social or work-related gatherings can be an uncomfortable experience. Awkward silences, shallow interactions, all that pressure to perform: It’s enough to give even extroverts anxiety. That’s where having a few good conversation starters in your back pocket can save the day.

Here a just a few starters for this month.

• What was the best part of your day?
• If you could only pick one, would you go salty or sweet?
• What’s your favorite recipe to make?
• What food would you rather go out to eat than cook?
• What did you listen to on the way over here?
• What book are you reading?
• Who is your favorite celebrity couple?
• What condiment can you not live without?
• If you could only eat one type of cheese for the rest of your life, what would it be?
• Who is your role model?
• What’s the last show you watched?
• What movie have you watched the most times?
• What is your comfort TV show?
• Are you a morning person or night owl?
• What’s your favorite thing to do outside?
• What was your favorite food to eat growing up?
• What’s your favorite sports team?
• Rank the seasons 1 to 4: Fall, Spring, Summer, and Winter?
• What’s your favorite restaurant?
• What’s your dream vacation destination?

Source:  countryliving.com©

Related: creative-conversation-starters-for-any-situation/

 

One of the most common things I hear from people who struggle with conversation is that they “hate small talk.”

Well, even though I love small talk, I understand why a lot of people dislike it—it seems superficial. People don’t care 100% about the things that they talk about or about the things that you talk about. They’re just talking to talk.

“Hey, how’s it going?”
“How are you?”
“What’d you do last week?”
“Where are you going?”

It might feel like a waste of time or something you’d rather not do. But there’s a big reason why it’s super-valuable to master it.

Steps to making small talk: 5 main principles

There are five strategic tips on how to get better at small talk and be able to start a conversation in any situation.

Show a genuine interest

If you want to polish your conversational skills and find out how to make small talk effective, you have to dismiss any prejudice that this type of conversation is meaningless. Every new person you converse within your life represents a new unique opportunity. Perhaps, you can even become friends in the future. Maybe they will become your customers or you will learn something helpful from them.

Ask open-ended questions

People like to talk about themselves. Why? Because it’s the easiest subject to discuss. It’s always harder to speak about something you know little about. Would you rather explain Shakespeare’s influence on film and television or talk about your favorite movie?

Never talk about something too personal

When you begin a conversation, you know almost nothing about the person. That’s why an author, speaker, and blogger Gretchen Rubin suggests choosing topics common to both speakers.

The forbidden topics are the person’s health, religion, and political views. The best subjects are:

• Weather
• Sports
• Shows and movies
• Art
• Your location or venue
• Food or cooking
• Hobbies
• Professional interests and responsibilities

Just keep your chatting light and ask questions about the interests, job, or surroundings.

Practice active listening

Active listening is a way of communication that involves consciously going into what another person is saying. Of course, all of us tune out from time to time. But if you pay attention to the speaker’s words, you’ll create much stronger connections. No doubt, the other person will surely notice how engaged you are.

Here are a few simple steps to help you become a better active listener during small talk at work or any other place:

• Try to make eye contact for about 60% of the time that you are listening to the other person. Besides, you can nod your head occasionally to show your interest.
• Never interrupt or prepare your reply while your companion is speaking. Keep in mind that the last thing a person says may change the meaning of what they’ve already said.
• Don’t offer unrequested advice, suggestions or solutions.
• As you listen, keep an open mind as well as withhold your judgment and stereotypes.
• Be patient while listening, keep yourself fully present and relaxed.
• Ask questions during pauses to clarify what is said.
• Draw attention to nonverbal behavior to find out the hidden meaning of the speaker’s words. A tone of voice, an expression on the face and other actions can tell you more than words alone.

If you want to learn how to make small talk and be an expert at initiating and maintaining a conversation on any topic, you have to become an active and empathetic listener. Develop your active listening skills, and you will improve your conversational ability.

Look for opportunities to converse

Whether you like small talk or make every effort to avoid it, these tips will help you get the most out of it. If you don’t know how to make small talk with your boss or a stranger on reception, use these principles and you won’t lose face.

Keep in mind that the more frequently you conduct a conversation with someone you barely know, the more comfortable you’ll become. To overcome your fear of small talk, practice in an unfamiliar environment. Visit a networking event for another industry or ask your friends to bring you along to their work events. Good luck to you!

Source:  preply.com

Photo credit:   Chris Murray on Unsplash