Small talk can be awkward, uncomfortable, and stressful — but it can also lead to meaningful conversations and relationships down the line if you know how to do it the right way. There are a number of small talk habits that can draw people to you instantly, and although it might take some practice to nail them down, you can start incorporating them into your conversations and stop worrying about discussing the weather over and over again with people you just met.
Not all small talk is created equal, so if you really want to engage someone in a conversation, you’ll want to make sure you’re paying attention to what you’re saying. Here are nine small talk habits that will make people instantly drawn to you.
1 Having A Comfortable Opener
Beginning a discussion with someone out of the blue can feel like the most awkward part, so practice how you open up conversations with others. “This will make you look and come across more confident and encourage more people to talk to you,” says communications expert Michael Blakely over email. “It also shows you are happy to start the conversation, putting people at ease and allowing you to lead.”
2 Sharing Relatable Information About Yourself
Conversations about the weather or what someone is wearing can die out quickly. “The best ways to engage people are to share some information about yourself that other people can relate to, appreciate, or learn from,” says Deena Baikowitz, co-founder of Fireball Network, a coaching and consulting firm, over email “For example, talking about where you grew up, your family, why you chose your career. Talk about the things you are most passionate about – your hobbies, volunteer work, job, family.”
3 Asking Open-Ended Questions
Avoid questions that can be answered with yes or no and ask a person something that allows them to talk in-depth about their thoughts, dreams, and opinions. “By asking more of the ‘how’ and ‘why’ questions, you get people talking,” says Korobov. “And the truth is that most people love talking about themselves even if they won’t admit it. Open-ended questions create the space for people to feel safe doing so and provides a vehicle for them to feel heard.”
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9 Small Talk Habits That Can Make People Instantly Drawn to You (bustle.com)
Small talk might seem trivial, but it can deliver big results.
It can help us forge new or deeper connections with others by allowing us to discover unexpected areas of common interest. It can enable us to establish or reinforce our personal reputations, giving us an opportunity to demonstrate warmth and empathy.
The power of ‘Tell me more…’
“Tell me more” is a support response; it supports what the other person is saying. The opposite is a “shift” response,” which is a statement that shifts the conversation back to you.
If your friend complains about their annoying upstairs neighbor, you might say, “Yeah, you wouldn’t believe what my neighbor’s been putting me through. His party last night didn’t break up until after 3 a.m.” You’ve just shifted the conversation back to you and your concerns, rather than inviting your small talk partner to contribute even more.
A support response might be to empathize with your friend, or ask for more details about their neighbor’s bad behavior and how they handled it.
In the right context, it is fine to use shift responses — other people want to learn about us, and we don’t want to come across as withdrawn or secretive.
But many people make the mistake of treating other people’s stories as openings for them to talk about themselves. But if you do that often, you miss an opportunity to learn more.
After a conversation partner contributes a thought or anecdote, we can say something like, “What excited you about that?” or “Wow, what happened next?” or “How did you feel when that happened?
Comments like these give your partner permission to expand on what they said or provide deeper insight.
The more you support what someone else is saying, rather than shifting the focus to your experience, the easier and more enjoyable small talk becomes.
Going to a wedding reception soon? Meeting friends you haven’t seen in years? Are you feeling a bit tongue-tied? Fear not. Study these convo starters and you will lose those convo butterflies quickly. It’s not rocket science after all. It’s just people expressing themselves verbally. OK? Prepare some questions, have your answers ready, check out a source of news and just be your friendly self. (And try to stay sober). j/k
NO, NO, NO!!! Not good at all. Just stay calm and keep reading!
The Weather
The weather is a great conversation opener since it affects everyone. You can talk about the heat, cold, wind, rain, cloud, snow…
The weather was gorgeous this weekend, what did you do?
Do you remember the last time we got this much snow?
It’s been so hot lately, how do you stay cool?
The Weekend
For the later part of the week, you can ask people about their weekend plans.
Do you have anything fun planned for the weekend?
Are you going anywhere this weekend?
For the first part of the week, you can ask people about how their weekend went.
Did you have a good weekend?
Did you see any movies this weekend?
News and Current Events
There is an almost limitless number of news and current events that one can bring up
Conversing about news and current events allows you to get into deeper conversation since you can get information on their personal views.
Your Surroundings
There are countless things that you can talk about related to your surroundings. You can talk about the music playing in the background, the dinner menu, history of the area, the drink they ordered, the decor, a painting on the wall, the score of a sporting event on TV…
Do you come here often?
What is your favorite thing about this city/town?
What do you like least about this city/town?
Movies, Books, TV, and Music
People love entertainment. It’ll be pretty difficult to find someone who doesn’t watch movies/TV, read books, or listen to music.
What was the last book that you read?
What is your favorite movie that you saw this year?
What is your favorite type of music?
What TV shows are you currently watching, streaming?
Find common ground in entertainment the other person has also consumed and discuss what you liked or disliked and go from there.
Sports
Most people enjoy either playing sports or watching sports, so it’s generally a safe topic to bring up.
Do you play any sports?
What sports do your kids play?
What’s your favorite sports team?
What do you do to stay in shape?
Travel
You can learn quite a bit about someone based on where they have traveled to and talking about traveling can be a fun topic.
Where did you go on your last vacation?
Do you have any upcoming travel plans?
What is your dream vacation?
Source: Great Conversation Starters
Quick note: Family and employment questions open up a plethora of opportunity for great convo.
You’ve heard it a million times: First impressions are everything. Small talk is key to getting off on the right foot with someone new. Remember this study, which showed that recruiters are drawn to candidates with strong small talk skills? So, yes, it’s pretty key to your professional growth, on top of its obvious importance in your social life. Use these six tips from the team at IvankaTrump.com to boost your chit-chat game.
1. Remember names.
There’s no such thing as being “bad with names.” Pay attention when someone says their name, and repeat it back to them (i.e., “Nice to meet you, Sarah”) once or twice as you start talking to them. Seeing their face and saying their name out loud will help it stick.
2. Give the long answer.
When someone asks what you do, don’t say “I’m a doctor.” Instead, say, “I’m a doctor at NYU Hospital and I mostly work with children.” You’re giving the other person more to draw from—now they know that you live in New York City and specialize in pediatrics, giving you more to talk about. On the flip side, ask questions that invite a longer answer. Rather than asking a yes-or-no question (“Do you like living in New York?”), ask open questions like, “What’s your favorite part about living in the city?”
3. Ask more questions than you answer.
Draw the other person out. Ask them questions. Give compliments. The key is to be more interested than interesting—no matter how awesome you are, people remember someone who made them feel awesome.
4. Keep it positive.
Don’t complain. Ever! Even if the other person doesn’t seem put off, they’ll associate you with negativity long after they’ve forgotten what you talked about. If they ask about your trip to Italy, don’t mention the fact that your flight home was delayed so you had to take the red-eye and you showed up at work exhausted and it was terrible. Sounds rough, but unless you’re putting a funny, laugh-it-off spin on it, it comes across as pessimistic.
5. Know when to stop sharing.
You don’t want to be so reserved that people can’t relax around you, but bear in mind that these are strangers who probably don’t care that your brother and his girlfriend just broke up. Share personal information that’s not too intimate but is still relatable enough to keep the conversation going.
This article was originally published on IvankaTrump.com.
When you spot an acquaintance in a store, do you hope they don’t see you, pretend you don’t see them, and try to covertly duck into another aisle?
Does the idea of walking into a party where you only know one person fill you with dread?
Do you keep trying to summon up the courage to talk to the cute girl who makes your lattes at the local coffee shop, but whenever you get up to the counter, all you can muster is your order?
When you’re assigned to a table filled mostly with strangers at a wedding, do you talk only with your date, or sit hunched over your phone all night?
Small talk is the portal through which every person you will ever meet will enter your life. That’s huge when you ponder it. You never know who you’re going to encounter in a class, at a coffee shop, at the gym, at a wedding; they could be your future business partner or boss, your future best friend or wife. You simply never know when someone you meet will send your life in a new direction. But if you can’t initiate these relationships, your circle of contacts and intimates will never expand past the current roster of friends whose Facebook updates and tweets you can’t take your eyes off of in order to meet the gaze of those sitting right next to you.
How to Gain the Ability to Make Small Talk with Anyone, Anywhere
The first step in becoming an expert small talker is to start seeing yourself as the host, as opposed to the guest, in any situation. The host acts as a leader. He’s active, not passive, and takes the initiative in talking with people, guiding the conversation, filling in awkward pauses, introducing people, and making others feel comfortable and welcome.
How do you become the consummate host wherever you go? Your hosting duties can be broken down into two categories: Approaching Others and Being Approachable.
How to Approach Others
Initiating Conversation with Strangers
We often feel self-conscious engaging a stranger in small talk, but most people are feeling as shy and insecure as you are. It’s a great comfort and relief when someone takes the initiative to talk to them, saving them from standing alone by the punch bowl while they feel awkward and conspicuous. People love to talk (especially about themselves) and are typically flattered when someone is paying attention to them.
Look for someone who seems approachable, who’s by himself and isn’t talking to someone else or working on something. Make eye contact, smile at them, and then go up to greet them.
But what then? Anyone who’s had their small talk disintegrate after an exchange of “What do you do?” may worry that their attempt to initiate conservation will fizzle into awkwardness. But when you know what you’re doing, you can sail right over any potential slumps.
The ARE method of initiating small talk. Communications expert Dr. Carol Fleming offers a three-part process to kick off a conversation: Anchor, Reveal, Encourage (ARE).
Anchor. This is an observation on your “mutual shared reality” that extends the first little thread of connection between you and another person — the lightest of pleasantries about something you’re both seeing or experiencing.
Dr. Landis is hilarious.
The set list tonight has been fantastic.
This weather is perfect.
Don’t get caught up thinking that such comments are too superficial, and search in vain for something truly clever to say. Fleming calls such exchanges “friendly noises,” and you both know they’re not meaningful, but just a gradual and polite way to segue into a “real” conversation.
Reveal. Next, disclose something about yourself that is related to the anchor you just threw out.
I’ve tried to get into Dr. Landis’ class for three semesters, and this is the first time I was able to land a spot.
There’s a much bigger crowd here than there was at their show last year.
I’ve been waiting for a break in the heat to go hike Mt. Whilston for the first time.
By opening up a little more, we extend to the other person a few more threads of connection and trust, while at the same time providing them fodder to which to respond.
Encourage. Now you hand off the ball to them by asking a question:
Did you have a hard time getting into the class?
Did you see that show?
Have you ever done that hike?
Keep building the conversation. By employing the effective ARE method, you’ll successfully have exchanged a few pleasantries, but these tender threads of small talk can easily disintegrate and blow away at this point…when the dreaded awkward pause shows up.
So you want to weave those light threads into an increasingly sturdy rope. You do this by offering follow-up comments and questions that continue to build the conversation. Let’s take a look at how our three example conversations might progress:
Whether you follow-up with a comment or question, be sure to alternate between the two options. Strike a balance: too many questions fired one right after the other will make the conversation feel more like an interrogation, and too many comments won’t give the other person a chance to talk. That’s no good, as your interest in what they have to say is what endears you to them.
So, tip the scale more heavily towards questions. Once they respond to one question, you ask clarifying questions about their answer. Start with questions that can be answered with one or two words, and then build on those to expand into open-ended questions that won’t put them on the spot but will allow them to reveal more or less about themselves, depending on their comfort level. Use questions that begin with phrases like:
Tell me about…
What was the best part of…
How did you feel about…
What brought you to…
What’s surprised you most…
How similar/different is that to…
Why…
Here are some effective small talk chains, with the common, but less open-ended questions marked through, and a better alternative following it:
Where are you from? → Did you live there all of your life? What was it like to grow up there? → What brought you here? → Are any of your family members close by? → How many siblings do you have? Tell me more about your family. → Is it tough being away from them? → What do you miss most about your hometown?
What are you majoring in? → What made you decide to choose that major? → How do you like it? What’s been the best class you’ve taken so far? → Tell me more about it. → What was the most interesting part of the class? → Do you think you might write about that for your thesis?
What do you do? → Do you like your job? Describe a typical day at work. → How has the economy affected business? → Why has your company thrived while others have taken a beating? → Would you recommend a young man like myself going into the field? → Do you know anyone who might be looking for an intern?
Ask open-ended questions. Here’s how it usually goes: How was your weekend? How’s your day going? How have you been? Whatadya been up to? Fine. Fine. Good. Not much…cue the crickets! Questions like these are conversation killers — they only prompt a one or two word response, and are basically used by most people as rote hellos in passing, not as questions where an actual answer is expected.
So you have to follow up:
How was your weekend? Good. What did you do?
How’s your day going? Good. What’s been the best part so far?
How have you been? Good. What’s been going well for you?
Practice!
Technology has created an interesting phenomenon in which people increasingly crave real face-to-face connection, while at the same time becoming less equipped to facilitate it.
The only way to get better at small talk is to practice. And you have to practice it in situations where it really doesn’t matter, so that you’re ready when it does.
